Author: Cheryl

Of all the things to break on a car, the one I never thought I’d have to fix is the sun visor.

It’s one of those things that you don’t even notice when it’s working properly and suddenly becomes the most important device in the world when it breaks. The problem with mine was that it wouldn’t stay put; it just dangled straight down and blocked my view. You see,  the sun visor has to be placed in the exact proper angle to do it’s job effectively.. Well, mine had run its course.

So I did a quick search, and the 2016 Camry sun visor, driver-side, beige in color, came to $140. At first I was appalled at the price tag. I mean, come on, what is the thing except a piece of cardboard wrapped in some cloth? But it’s able to stop the sun, so I have to give it some credit. So I paid the price and it arrived today and I installed it myself (no kidding) and it works perfectly.

Then I got to thinking about the price of things, and how the price can be offset over time; I think it’s called amortization. Here’s how it works: the first time I use the sun visor, which was yesterday, it cost me $140 to block the glaring sun so I can drive safely.  But today, I used the sun visor for the second time, which means it only cost me $70 to block the sun. $70 yesterday and $70 today. If I continue using the sun visor every day for the whole year, it will cost me less than 50-cents per use, roughly —  I don’t have time to do the math, but you get the idea. I feel the same way about my wardrobe. If I spent three hundred dollars on a new dress and I wear it once, it’s a rip-off.  But if I I wear it 672 times, it’s reasonably priced!   As an aside, rarely do I get to  wear a dress 672 times; that’s not the case, however, with some of my underwear — but I’ve said too much. Anyway, that’s how they get you with the charities in Africa: for the price of just one cup of coffee a day…

So I guess I’m wondering whether blocking the sun while I drive is worth $.50 each day. It would be awesome if the opposite was also true: like, we would get credit for not using something — a de-amortization! But that’s a science-fiction story that I don’t have time to write. Feel free to steal.

Punctuation is one of the most overlooked and misunderstood elements of the writing world. Period. One of my pet peeves, of late, is the use and, more specifically. over-use, of the exclamation point.

It used to be that an exclamation rendered the sentence fraught with excitement, danger, pleasure, or all three. Today, it has become as common as the simple and humble period. And I have a theory as to why this is the case.

With emails and texts and posts (and blogs), we find ourselves doing much more writing than in previous times.  And, to be honest, most of us don’t live exciting lives. So the easiest way to infuse a little excitement into our little stories  is by finishing off our scribbles with an exclamation point, or as I call it, “the upside-down lower-case I.” (Actually, that’s the first time I’ve ever called it that.) And if you really want to make an impact, try two or three!! Or the outrageous string of exclams that should be illegal (a misdemeanor) or at least garner a hefty fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

And the simple irony of it all, is that when everything is joyful and newsworthy and over the moon, nothing is.

It’s well known that Albert Einstein gave us the perfect definition of insanity: “doing something over and over again with the expectation of getting a different result,” right?  Wrong.

First of all, it’s incorrectly attributed to Einstein. He said no such thing.  Second of all, the statement isn’t even true. Doing something over and over again is called persistence. Of course we expect a different result, and if we’re committed to giving our best efforts, we often get what we want.
I’m reminded of the story of a young girl in Louisiana who wanted to be an actress in the movies.  The only problem was, she didn’t have any experience. So this girl — I’ll call her Norma — auditioned at her local theater over and over again. Each audition was met with a cold reception and no call-back.  So when the 28th play announced there would be an open casting call, she signed up without hesitating. Insane, right? 

Well, she nailed the audition and got the role of Beatrix in “The Last Days of Summer” by Norman Potter. This was the role that would change her life. She was so mesmerizing and so captivating and gave such a powerful performance that the local theater critic proposed to her backstage.

To make a long story short, she ended up moving to Hollywood and becoming one of the most sought-after actresses and models in the history of cinema. So doing something over and over again and expecting a different result is not insane, it’s sometimes absolutely necessary.

And what about the marriage proposal? She made the critic ask another 27 times before she finally said yes.

My darling husband of 14 years recently told me I was “just ugly enough.”  Now, before you jump in to defend my honor, I have to tell you the context of our conversation.  

We were having dinner for our anniversary (14th, which you’d know if you were paying attention during the previous paragraph) and we got to talking about relationships we were in before we met each other.  I had exactly three relationships and none of them were hot and heavy.  He said he also had three, but I don’t believe him.  Anyway, if he’s lying to spare my feelings I guess I’m okay with that.

So I asked him if his other girlfriends were A, prettier than me; B, less pretty than me; or C, equally pretty as me.  I said it just like that, like it was a question on the SATs or something.  We were having fun.  And then all of a sudden he hits me with the line, the title of this post.

What??!!!  I almost spit margarita out of my nose when he said it.  I didn’t know whether I should laugh, cry, or cry very hard.  He quickly put me at ease, though, when he told me the following story.

He — let’s call him Ben because that’s his name — Ben went to college in the northeast and he remembers “Christie” (not her real name) from his Biology class.  He said whenever he caught a glimpse of her he couldn’t catch his breath.  She was that pretty!  Not only that, he tried approaching her and couldn’t speak (not just stammered and hemmed and hawed, but he could not talk).  Ben says he stood there for a full ten seconds gasping for air and she called for a medic.  I thought that was weird, that she said, “Is there a medic here?” but that’s what she did.

So to cut a long story short, Ben never had a relationship with Christie because she was too pretty.  And I, apparently, am just ugly enough.  I don’t know why Ben couldn’t have said I was just “pretty enough,” but he chose to say it in the negative.  I guess it makes for a better blog title and I ended up with the man of my dreams.  Win-win?  Tell me your thoughts in the comments!

Very few things surprise me like seeing myself.  I mean, I know what I look like and I would recognize myself in a crowd, but it’s always a little bit shocking to see my face.  I’m not ashamed, per se, but I see flaws more than attributes.  I suppose I’m not alone.  I read a study recently that said the greatest fear, after public speaking and jumping onto a grenade to save your platoon, is the fear of meeting your lookalike at a cocktail party and making small talk.

So whenever I glance up and see myself in front of a mirror or in the window of a parked UPS truck or reflected in the spoon I’m holding, I always make four affirmations.  It doesn’t matter how busy I am or even if someone is honking at me, I always say these four things — out loud and in a clear voice.

1. Never ever take life for granted.  The cosmos are vast and the universe is daunting.  “Why are we here?” is a great question, but an even greater question is “Why not?”  You may not always appreciate your station in life, but that’s only because you forget you have a station in life.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  Make the most of every moment.
2. Be better today than you were yesterday.  If we’re not growing, we’re shrinking.  There’s no pause button in life.  Are you challenging yourself?  If not, you’re coasting.  And the only thing a coaster provides is a place to set your drink.
3. Smile more, squint less.  Your eyes are truly the window to the soul, and your face is the billboard to your heart.  Everyone is selling something, what are you selling?  It doesn’t have to be crass materialism, it can be depth and honesty and humor and charm.  So keep your eyes open to wonder and put your best self forward.
4. Brush your hair.  It never fails to amaze me how unkempt I am after I leave the house.  Running a quick brush through my hair always lifts me up and puts me in the proper mood to address the three previous affirmations.  That’s why I always carry a brush with me at all times.

NBSB.  That’s the acronym I use to remember these four affirmations.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating this for everybody.  If you have four better things to say, I’d love to hear them (hopefully, they’ll fit the acronym I have because it took me a long time to memorize these things).